Beating Up Kindergarten Kids


Thanks to FecalFace for presenting the following scenario. Please leave answers in the comment section- curious to hear your toughts.

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:
- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."
- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok my magic number is 25:

For those of you who think this is too high read the following:

Thes eare children I am fighting, regradless of their training They have underdeveloped brains and muscles therefore my natural advantage would be size and it would be easy to knock them out one at a time. Now what they have on us is cardiovascuar endurence so I could not run them down and start picking kids off, If I played that game i would be swarmed and ultimatly lose. This is something that has to be accomplished quicky.

For thos of you who think this is too low, read the following:

I feel that one kid could be knocked out with a single haymaker, thus I would have to produce 25 quick haymakers in order to win, or 50 medium-makers, or a combination of the two. Now trying to throw that many large punches is quite tiring when one must also factor in that there has to be some movement in order to avaoid the swarm, this is how you fight in a crowd (see Ninja Turtles the movie, or Kill Bill Vol. 1). Also I feel that some of these kids will have the ability to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge which brings your punch count to around 30-50. This can be accomplished if done efficiently,

thank you and happy hunting,


23/3/05 14:05  
Anonymous Stevie J. said...

I am pretty comfortable in saying that I could knock 31 5 year olds unconcious. I would accomplish this in the following manner: The first unfortunate child to reach me would become my "club" and eventually my "hammer". That's right, I would grab the first 5 year old by either his collar or his arms and begin to swing him in circles. at first he will think he is the lucky winner b/c he is getting a fast and free superman ride. Soon enough he will realize that he and centrifigal force are going to be responsible for knocking 15 kids unconcious. As I lose grip or become dizzy I will let go and launch the poor S.O.B. into the air, he should hit approx. 5 kids taking them and himslef out of the action.

The count is now at 21, for the remaining 10 I plan on using a combination of uppercuts, elbows and the almighty roundhouse. At this point I will tire and their tiny fists of fury will put me to sleep. That is how I would knock out 30 5 year olds.

23/3/05 14:52  
Anonymous Stevie J. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

23/3/05 14:52  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well thonger, I have considered your technique, and find it very well thought-out. However, as I have often found myself considering the number of 12 yr olds I could knock out at once, I find the 5 yr old challenge quite easy.

You see, the average height of a 5 yr old being approximately 44 inches (3 foot 8 inches) and 44 lbs (http://www.babybag.com/articles/htwt_av.htm), you drastically underestimated the signifigance of a swift kick. Even a novice mixed martial arts fighter could easily through effective side or front kicks at this height. I feel this could perhaps be a fatal finishing move for the majority of children, perhaps even more powerful then that of a "hay-maker" even that of a full one.

Therefore, I feel that this challenge does not live up to the Deaner standards. I have come up with a foolproof technique to taking on 50 12 yr olds equipped with baseball bats, while incurring next to zero damage.

Griff, it was an interesting post.

23/3/05 15:08  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That being said. I feel I could far surpase the 1000 5 yr old mark. I feel that 69.5% of children would surcomb to the Front and side Kicks, while the other 30.5% would be ended by the hay, or half-hay maker.

I would finally go down after Hyper-extending my knee with a missed side kick, while the momentum will send me down. I would strangle choke, and use as a shield the next kid in. I have not come up with a technique to fight beyond this point. I will let you know when a new technique has been created.


23/3/05 15:19  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deaner has made 2 crucial errors which was mentioned in the first post. He did not account for fatigue, swift kicks can do damage but they are quite tiring. Also the numbers, 100 kids would easily swarm to the point where kicks are not even possible. the end result is a very cheerful 950 or so 5 year old who whould no doubt have a feast on deaner like the Eewoks did in star wars, rookie, deaner.


23/3/05 15:40  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

meant to say 1000 in last post,


23/3/05 15:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wrong, Fatigue has been accounted for. I feel the the average 40-45 lbs child would not necessitate a full out hay-maker as you felt. Therefore conserving energy. Also, I would position myself near the vacinity of a corner, to create an almost natural barrier to kids surrounding me. A few would get around, but a well executed roundhouse would do the trick.

I would also drastically utilize the short-attack approach, with a furry of elbows and knees to those that get in too tight. You must also realize, that the children on the front lines are a barrier to the ones behind them. The kids coming in for attack will have to maneouver over dead and uncoscious bodies. Once again, giving me much more time and space, once again conserving energy. Kids would soon become soo vulnerable, while trying to climb over dead bodies, that I now will up my number of children to 1500.

Sean, you are dealing with an expert in multiple kid attacks. I have done ample reasearch on all types of ages and animals.


23/3/05 15:53  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

again someone help me here, the kid barrier would hurt you more than it helps, if the number is now 1500 these kids would move too quickly, they wold not come over the barrcade one at a time, soon it would rain children. The first kid that starts biting ankles would end it for you as the rest would pile on and then the esuing feast.


23/3/05 16:01  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wrong. Dead Kid Barrier is a positive. This is factual.

23/3/05 16:09  
Anonymous Matty G said...

13...well that's my record so far! That's actually the exact description of our Phys Ed course. You gotta love the Taiwanese Schooling system.

25/3/05 20:10  
Blogger Herr Huge von Hugenstein said...

I have wondered how many 5 year olds I could beat up for quite some time. I have had plenty of time to think of whst my magic number would be and I'm gonna go with 30. I'd like to think I'm in pretty good shape, so I think I could throw bommbs for about 7-10 minutes before starting to tire.That's about 15 seconds per kid. I would focus my attention on the males to begin with cause frankly we're the superior gender. I would never use any kicks cause thats just asking to be taken down. Finally my huge muscles and gigantic frame will ensure that not only will i knock them out quickly but it would quite the time trying to bring me down. I realize that I'm brown and they would assume I'm a terrorist and finally muster the courage to take me out after 30 kids have suffered the death blows. In conclusion, no one likes a terrorist

28/3/05 15:18  
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