This might take you 20 or so minutes but it is the most interesting read to come this way in far too long. Its 7 months old and some how slipped under the radar until now. Feel free to leave comments with your thoughts.
The Long Tail


96% Antheist and 92% Satanist


Remember on Family Guy when the Griffins seceded from the U.S.A. to form Petoria? While that actually happened once, minus the BBQ party of dictators and the giant nuke pointed directly at a single family 4-bedroom suburban home. Today's honorary TFS citizen is Dennis Wardlow. He was the mayor in 1982 when the city of Key West seceded from America to become The Conch Republic. It might have been a big one-day joke, but who else can say they gained independence as a jab at corrupt politicians?

Tomorrow is the annual independence day celebration. Put on your Panama hat, find some Whiteheads, and raise your fruity cocktail with a mini-umbrella in it to Mayor Wardlow.


Take a ride to my block


Harriet Klausner = most prolific Amazon.com reviewer. Approximately 9,000 if you're wondering.
Harriet Klausner = free books from publishers.
Harriet Klausner = a more boring home page than this one, if that's possible.
Cheers to Harriet. Feel free to not read books knowing that HK is taking care of business and tackling the problem.


A poor man's Kenny Baker

Ed & ALF
Continuing with people you might not know, please welcome...
Mihaly 'Michu' Meszaros, or to those who watched late 80's situation comedies Gordon Shumway a.k.a. ALF, is a Hungarian born actor. Not much is known about the lil' man who suited up as the wise-cracking house guest of the Tanner's. Sort of sucks for him that he didn't even do ALF's voice, all he did was suit up when they needed a scene of ALF walking. At first, the thought of catalogings the best Gordon Shumway moments, like when he hosted The Late Show, was exciting, but since Michu didn't do the voice or many of the actions, the projects been dropped. You know how actors are... don't want to go giving credit to the wrong person. Some of his other roles include Andy in Big Top Pee-wee, a stunt double in Look Who's Talking, and a few other roles requiring a dwarf. Small people might be scary and maybe not even have a reason to live if you believe Randy Newman, but its good to see one who made it big. Well, big for a lil' guy, not everyone can be Verne Troyer.
So today is Michu day, unfortunately its almost tomorrow already so Michu only gets about 5 minutes. Back tomorrow with another person you don't need to know but will probably want to remember for that obscure TP question.


"I am not young enough to know everything"

Rocky Dennis

This week is devoted to people you might not know but should.
Say hello to Rocky Dennis, 1964-1980. He's the unfortunate looking guy pictured above. Rocky not only suffered from the horrible and exceptionally rare disease Craniodiaphyseal Dysplasia, but also had the misfortunate of being immortalized in a Cher film. Granted the movie has modest reviews... but come on, Cher. Anyway, back to the Rock. Despite the disfiguring disease, Rocky had a consistently positive attitude and was probably a better person than you. If you can believe it Master Dennis even managed to snag himself a lil' lady friend with his winning personality- albeit she was certified blind (no joke, serious). The true romantic would respond, isn't love always? Was that your response? I guess the fact he rolled with bikers probably helped his rep. Imagine the girl was bullied into dating him and then ended up being a biker whore who sniffed coke before stripping for rooms full of horny college kids drunk on beer and Inferno shots... excuse the digression. The fact remains, if there's an award for world's most positive person, TFS'd vote for Rocky. Sadly, he died at the tender age of 16 after writing some great poetry and thereby ended a sad story that got the Cher-set weeping. Next time you feel like crying and watching a mediocre movie keep Rocky Dennis in mind.

Welcome Rock. TFS won't let your spirit die.
Ed note: facts are mostly from the Cher movie so they could be less than accurate


Not just at risk of STIs



Last Dog
If you've never been asked if you want the last hot dog you've yet to experience life.



you feel it is okay to do business as follows, and not phone back/return numerous emails then you should probably check yourself.

-single ring-
You: "Hello"
Not You: "Hi xxxx? It's xxxx."
You: "Hi xxxx, listen I am so busy I can't even talk. I'll call you back."
Not You: "Ok, but..."
You: -click-
Not You: "I hate you!"


Looking Out For Da Homies

Looking Out

This week's time wasters:

1- The New Junkbot
2- Mini Track Mania


Find anything?


Apologies if you ordered an update last week and never got served.

Slurring drunk, one shawarma, one smoked meat sandwich, sobered up and in bed before midnight... Probably has something to do with $2 beer during happy hour- well I guess happy evening given it lasts from 3-8.


Introducing E----- F-----

Street Walker

Please welcome TFS's new foreign correspondent E----- F-----. He's a private sonofabitch and asked that not much be revealed about him. You can know he travels more than you, he gets into trouble, and he's arrogant. Big things were expected from his first dispatch... Instead you can read what he sent. Can someone get their column pulled after one entry? Thanks Ex.

Hello readers. Welcome to the first of my monthly entries for the blog with a stupid name (seriously, what were you thinking?). Spain is a land of beautiful lovelies, cheap wine, and general vibrancy. Its also the land of street walkers along Las Ramblas in Barcelona. This is an interview I conducted with the lass from the picture early one morning after fruitlessly trolling the clubs for a piece of ass.

Street Walker: Hola!
Me: I guess you'll do. How much to suck my dick?

Street Walker: 40.
Me: I've give you 15.

Ta for now readers.

-ed. note, Ex didn't actually send a pic, and yes the above is exactly what he sent.


To Clarify

Today was not this bad. After the initial shock there is much to make you laugh- Wallace's face, the calm reaction of 'the guy', etc..

What, Invisible? Not this cat...


Ever have one of these days? Me neither.

New Staff introduction tomorrow. Could TFS have a new foreign correspondent?


The Same As White Hot Chocolate- Disappointing

Big Pimpin
The Killers v. The Clash mashup would probably be better if the vocals didn't simply sound laid over the track. Give it a listen anyway.

Bounce Out update #1: It appears, in an attempt to avoid what happened at the FIFA 2003 tournament (anyone else smell pooh?), the Professor has upped the ante by capping a marathon 6 hour playing session (doesn't he live with his girlfriend?) with a high score of 171 000. Just so you know.

Congratulations to this tough guy for over 6 months of non-stop service. In interdweeb time thats a lifetime.

Finallly, for those of you who only read the Weekly World News at the cottage this is from the latest issue.

Officer Tutone aka Helmet, if you read this send me an email.


Tetris But With Bouncy Balls

Over the edge
There's a quiet battle for Bounce Out supremacy happening. The temporary champion is none other than the easily angered, overly competitive Taiwanese school teacher. He's sitting on top of the heap with 150 000 or so. Be warned everyone- dude plays 5 hours a day minimum, he will play more if beaten, and if he can't win in the world of Bounce Out he's not beyond physical intimidation. Nonetheless, enter the circus and have fun- if you beat 150 leave a comment here for the Professor.

Most of you knew it was coming- so let's keep it short. Apple designs superior products, period. Yet the big guys at MS have provided would be mp3 player customers with a list of criteria to help make the decision easier. Surprised that this list suggests the antithesis of the iPod and iTunes as the perfect product?

In an effort to minimize suffering TFS trusts everyone ate the bunnies head first...


Resurrected Like Hay-zeus...


The last time he was spotted [ed. -shameful] was in a basement in a compromising pose involving Sean #103825. He fled to his native Ecuador, he's still sour, but he's agreed to talk it out. The following is an excerpt from a recent exchange with the above pictured Señor Luis del Plátano.

TFS: Its been what? About 4 years since last time, what happened?
LdP: You know I am still muy pissed.

TFS: Yeah, we all thought it was a joke, maybe it went too far...
LdP: Man, I was hitting the cerveza hard, showing you gringos how its done, had one too many- you know it was embarassing enough- and then shit, you guys go and put me up in that shit.

TFS: Whatever. What have you been up to?
LdP: After waking up and seeing what I'd been put up, I peaced out. Went back to my roots.

TFS: How's the homeland been treating you?
LdP: I got a nice chica, nice little spot- getting some brown spots but you know I am chillin'.

TFS: We hear that, but what about...
LdP: Gots to run- this is lame and I think the crumble is burning.

Not really interested 'cause its coming up to the weekend and... shit- as Luis said, this is lame. Have fun eating chocolate and celebrating dude being pecked by birds as he hung dying this long weekend


Did I Hear Someone Say Wee-a-boo?

'Sup Yo!
Spendin' wit tha ho-slappin' of hotness hizzle at TFS, for 'dem who ain't dizzown already...

This is a site that will search and/or translate web pages/text straight from the street, um, er, or ghetto... Try it above or get the whole thing at Gizoogle dizzot com.


Beating Up Kindergarten Kids


Thanks to FecalFace for presenting the following scenario. Please leave answers in the comment section- curious to hear your toughts.

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:
- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."
- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down



If You Do Nothing Else...

dancing shoes
for the rest of the week, please spend a few minutes looking at this site, which is where the above comic strip is from. Laughter will ensue- promise.


Hope Your Weekend Is...


Everyone enjoys seeing other people fall, but TFS would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the guy on the corner last night. Sorry guy, you just looked really funny. Here's the deal, next time you see me feel free to sneak up behind me and kick one of my legs into the other. Then you can laugh at me as I lay face down on the pavement. Deal?

Job interview last week, went slightlly better than Ron Burgundy's for ESPN. (Windows users; if this link doesn't work leave a comment and I'll post a new link)

Personal message to Mr.Thurlow down in Sydney. If the ladies don't come calling, you could just follow this playboy's lead. I am sure he's really successful with the school girls. Not creepy at all.

"...depicted children skateboarding through the streets, drinking milk and tossing rocks at police officers." Does this mean that drinking milk during the 60's was bad-ass?

Current favorite song, Some Velvet Morning.


Hey yo' pardner!


Tsunami hits porn production. Not safe for work.

Remember early-90's Bay Area Gangsta rap? What kinda cologne you got on?


Flex Your Way To a Better You


Short post today. Busy time here at the TFS office- not that it's much of an office- but if it were, there'd be weekly hurdle races. Further information to come on the projects sapping the TFS resources but just know they involve steak, travel and sammiches, and not necessarily together.

Briefly, if da Po'lease can't handle guns, is it any wonder that grumpy, ordinary men with glasses have a hard time?

You know who else likes Float On? The Kidz Bop kids- looking for an mp3 link...


Pete's Pant-less Monkey Petting Zoo

Fiberglass insulation looks nice, especially big rolls of the stuff. Its like a mountain of cotton candy for a little 5 year old boy in a Jays cap to jump around on. The little boy has the time of his life until he takes a break and realizes his skin is burning and he feels like a pin cushion. That's sort of the feeling around here about all the fun had with monkeys and apes this week after remembering this happening last week.

I like Float On, you like Float On, and so does Ben Lee. Happy listening.


Beaming From Warden Ave


Day two and ladies panties are already getting blown off with hardhitting, serious journalism. The man with a baboon heart, an iron grip on the microphone, and a former love of CRXs is putting his shirt on, taking a break from licking his nipples to sit down for a brief chat.

TFS: Any feelings about being known as 'The Artist Formerly Known as Freestyle"?
TAFKAF: As most people know I have a huge issue with this one part of my past haunting me still, but to be completely honest the days of “Free”, “The Freeze”, and “Styles” were all good times, but if I hear anyone using it today you know what you’ll get, just ask Officer Maybee, I think he is emotionally scarred from the angry outburst he received...The Freeze lives on in all of us…don’t you forget that.

TFS: What's all the business about having a baboon heart?
TAFKAF: The baboon heart stems from years of heart problems that reared their ugly head big time in 99’.  After a short hospital stay my heart was completely removed and replaced with that of a very rambunctious baboon named Mr. Tickles.  Not a day goes by that I don’t thank Mr. Tickles for the second chance he has given me, as a side note I still have his stuffed monkey mounted above my bed to keep me safe and save me from the girl from the ring while I sleep.

TFS: I always figured dressing up as Mr. Peepers was a way to sooth your inner monkey.
TAFKAF: Dressing as Mr. Peepers was to show my inner love for Mr. Tickles, and yes, to sooth my inner monkey (aka baboon heart).

TFS: Of all the things in your checkered past, give one you'd take back if you could and the one you're most proud of?
TAFKAF: Hmmmmm...this is a thought provoker...well let’s say, Football head? No...has to be Leslie as a taker backer...most proud of, well Jess, but less of part of my checkered past, more of the aftermath of which.

TFS: Top 5 hip-hop jams?
TAFKAF: In no particular order...(and I don’t know if I could say top 5, but 5 of my all time favorites)
Method Man – Bring the Pain
Nas – The Message
Mobb Deep – Shook Ones Pt.2
Notorious BIG – The What
Outkast – Rosa Parks

TFS: Any closing thoughts or excuse me, 'shout outs'?
TAFKAF: Keep the sand out of your vagina, watch Requiem for a Dream, and bros before hoes...

Much thanks to our stand-in simian friend for granting the interview, being a good sport and dealing with some of those hard issues that keep his liver soaked in rye. Be on the look out for a future interview with an above referenced upholder of the law- yep, I am calling out the man with the biceps the rest of us can only see in magazines.


Open For Business.

Pink Taco Sign
Once there was a little monkey who lived in the jungle, let's call him Saloum. Saloum spent his days roaming around, enjoying the trees, and watching other monkeys fornicate. His favourite times were when he'd happen across an unguarded banana plant. Oh how he loved the mushy potassium of bananas! But as time passed he began to feel guilt for stealing the farmer monkeys' bananas and never giving anything back. So he decided to use all the knowledge he had of bananas to plant his own. As happens for most beginners, things weren't perfect at first, but he managed to care for his tiny plant and turn it into a modest plantation, producing some damn fine bananas. It is with little Saloum in mind that I give you this-
Banana 1

If you didn't check it out, you really should spend some more time browsing the left sidebar menu on dear Emil's page. The humour hits homes on the 'joghurt' page. Serious.

Ok, this space is going to develop to include some media files, thoughts, maybe the odd interview, and of course, links. Thanks for checking in and feel free to leave comments.